Random pic.running to catch a train in tight jeans and a teeny top and catch a glimpse of my hips and the skin covering it glowing and think for a brief second, “that’s fucking sexy…”.I also have that thought when I shower and run soapy hands over them.or when I dry my back and note the proportional difference between my shoulders, waist and hips. I like to look at my legs on a sunny day in a short skirt, or my curve of calves when I wear heels and my toes with a fresh coat of polish. What I love the most is when I wash my face in the morning and look into my eyes.they’re dark,and perfectly shaped and I feel like I’m looking into/through myself. I feel most beautiful in the morning I think… This all seems pretty narcassitic. But in a day and age where everyone wants a little more this and a little less that, I’m glad iv finally gotten to that point where I realize I’m just right.

sexy

I’m afraid of being alone. Don’t know why…just am.Always have been. I have a void that I fill with companionship. I’m hesitant to use the word relationships.

I want this to last. I want to be alone. For now. I think. I need to learn to be. Am I supposed to feel like this? Is it the ‘in betweeny’ phase or will I give up and go back?

I really want this to last…for now. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOfhbLn8fw8

tattedlowe asked: I saw your "doesn't make sense" posting... I feel where you're coming from - though never taken it as far as ME cheating. What's going on with you - is it better?

Hey u :)

I guess better is relative…we had a fight two nights ago. As we tend to do often. And I felt/feel like I couldn’t do this anymore. And it feels this way often.Its complicated.

When we met,it was so full of passion. I know it sounds cheesy but we couldn’t get enough of each other. Or more importantly, he couldn’t get enough of me. That’s what’s changed. He now makes me feel like I’m not enough. And any one else I meet makes me feel wanted. They look at me hungrily in a way that he doesn’t anymore. He doesn’t have a job. Struggling to get one. So I feel like he resents me because I do and do well. It isn’t hard to love him. He just gives me every reason not to. I mean I want to…so badly.But he does things…hides things…lies for no reason like its all one big game…Its no excuse but I cheated three times. twice with the same guy. All times with men I loved. Still love. My ex. My best friend. People that love me for me. Who I am was/is always a problem for him. Why would you be with someone like that? I don’t know…

It’s complicated. And it may change as it has done in the past but I right now I don’t know if I want to get back into that. Being with him doesn’t give me butterflies anymore. It doesn’t make me happy. It feels like a heavy lead ball…I need space.

Haven’t you ever felt like you need to fill a void?

I feel so unsatisfied. Frustrated. Sad. Mad. Suspicious…All the things you should feel in a FULFILLING relationship. I don’t know if I love him anymore. Not sure if I ever did. I want him. He fills my void. But how can he ‘fill’ me if he doesn’t fulfill me? Does that make any sense? I suppose its human nature to want to be wanted. I want him to want me. And he does sometimes. But I find myself always wanting something else, something more because he never wants me enough. Consistently. So now what? Leave him? Did that. Got back together. Cheat? Did that. Got back together. I think he’s cheating on me.  Not that there are ‘signs’. But I can’t find another reason for why he doesn’t always want me. I feel like a fool. So I cheat to make myself feel better. Physically, mentally and emotionally. It works sometimes but I always end up back here. 

Don’t know how I got here. Don’t know what to do. Feeling neglected.

Help.